Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
