So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
