My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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