I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
