I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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