Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
