Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
