At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
