why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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