Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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