Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
