just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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