i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
