...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
