When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
