How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
