My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
