he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am one with the molecules
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
