capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize