If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
