dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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