I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
