Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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