No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
