How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
