I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
