I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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