Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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