Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Randomize
