i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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