i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
