I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
As shirtless as possible
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
