wrigley field is MILF paradise
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
