i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
