He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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