Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
