Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
