At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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