Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
