dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
