i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
