she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
