Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
