I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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