Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
