I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
