Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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