when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
