Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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