Tell her she can't have a vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize