So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
