you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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