The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
