If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
