I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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