I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
