did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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