It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
