Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
