its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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