I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
