My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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