i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
